


To be (not) eaten away from the inside

by Ironicbiatch



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Hurt Yoo Kihyun, Hurt/Comfort, Monsta x love one another, Platonically, Protective Dongsaengs, Protective Hyungs, Yoo Kihyun-centric, collapse, domestic at the end, lonely, minor head injury, not much, sad monsta x
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 17:09:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20439551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironicbiatch/pseuds/Ironicbiatch
Summary: Often, what you feel on the inside has the biggest effect on how you look on the outside, and Kihyun knew a lot about that.•————•————•————•To Kihyun, harsh words, mean comments and unfair opinions were used as constructive criticism. He needed motivation to get better, to look better, and those he loved the most telling him how much they didn’t like the way he looked was perfect.It helped him to fix himself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a fluffy domesticy fic for Monsta x but this came to my mind ages ago so I wrote a summary and left it. I came back to it after a while and this is what we got.  
I hope you enjoy whatever this turned into :)
> 
> Follow me on  
Instagram: @youngjaesun  
Twitter: @_xsoftxt

Kihyun knew his members didn't give the snide remarks or the small comments to hurt him. Most of them were backed with questioning glances and worried tones, but he couldn't see that.  
Their words did hurt. It hurt to hear his own members, his group, his brothers, speak about him like he was below them, worse than them.  
Of course they weren't meant to sound malicious, but to Kihyun, they were being harsh to make him better. 

Really, he didn't mind their words. He took them as feedback, constructive criticism. 

When Minhyuck joked about how he looked slightly sickly that day - the boy was alluding to Kihyun's major weight loss, which made him lose the healthy glow which Minhyuck missed - Kihyun made sure to wear extra makeup to hide the paleness. 

When Wonho commented on how he looked thinner than usual, smaller and slimmer - he had noticed how little the boy was eating, and desperately wanted him to eat more - Kihyun gave an internal shriek of joy at the fact that his diet was working, that people were noticing his change. 

When their youngest pointed out his defined cheekbones - Changkyun hated the way they looked, how they stuck out and highlighted his hyungs thin face, he sort of missed the chubby hamster like cheeks, but he would never say so - Kihyun gave a small smile and retaliated with a mention on how his newly defined face made him more handsome. 

Each member had noticed the changes within the boy, they just never voiced them as forward as they could have. Kihyun would take the comments to heart, wouldn't see them as caring and worried questions but an attack. That was just how he was, so they tried to tell him their concerns subtly, only they didn't realise the negative effect it had on their small member. 

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

His condition hit an all time low when they were in the middle of their world tour. 

They were in Europe at the time, travelling to different countries across the continent. Kihyun was stashed away in his hotel room scrolling through his phone as some random foreign drama played in the background. He hadn't bothered to turn on the subtitles, honestly he didn't really care, he hadn't been paying any attention anyways.  
Instead he was focused on what he was looking at on his screen, watching his members current vlive after having seen Hyungwon tweet about it only minutes ago. 

They were streaming from another room in the hotel. He assumed it was Hyungwon's as he took control over the broadcast, with several other members talking along in the background, making food and joking about some random story Hyungwon was telling the audience.  
The two youngest were there, Kihyun watched with a small smile on his face as they made instant ramen and tested the different plates of room service food that had been brought up, being careful to not let Hyungwon see them taking small bites of each meal.  
Minhyuck could be seen in the back too, laughing as he stood behind Hyungwon and messed childishly with the youngers hair, an innocent look on his face. 

Kihyun watched on for a while, smiling fondly as he watched them joke and laugh along, eating the food together as they answered comments on the stream, giving funny stories from tour and crowding around the camera in the clearly too small room. Kihyun wasn't even sure they could fit more than two members, so four was definitely too many, which is why he had shook away the thought of joining them early on. 

Changkyun ate another mouthful of food, smiling through the taste and beaming about how good it was.  
"Kihyun hyung would like this."  
"I don't think Kihyun likes anything these days, have you seen how much he eats."  
The four laughed along at Minhyuck's comment, carrying on with eating as they quickly moved on to read more comments. 

Kihyun however couldn't laugh it off. He stared down at the screen, his smile having disappeared swiftly at the mention of his recent food habits. He hadn't realised they had noticed that much. Of course they saw his weight loss, they had mentioned it on different occasions before, but they'd never really spoke about how much he eats, or how little.  
He had assumed that they just didn't care. They laughed off the comment like it was nothing, just some stupid joke, he was just some stupid joke.  
Maybe they liked it. Maybe they liked how little he ate how small his portions were, how he avoided meals with them when he got the chance.  
Maybe they like how thin he was, how he had finally stopped weighing the group down, quite literally. 

He shut the phone off, the screen turning black as he saw his own reflection. He looked drained, his under eyes black and dark from where he'd removed his makeup, his skin pale and dull. His cheekbones stood out and his jaw was a now prominent feature.  
With that, Kihyun smiled. He smiled at his finally thin face, his finally defined features, his finally worthy body.  
He smiled because after all of the pain, after the constant hunger and the agonising headaches and the awful dizziness, maybe he was finally fixed. 

He threw his phone to the side of his bed, standing and shaking away the dull pain in his head - it was a constant feeling recently, something which he told himself he would just have to get used to - and headed over to the bathroom. Turning the shower on and letting the water get warm before he got in, Kihyun moved to grab for the food that was left on the side table in his room. It was a clear plastic bag, from some random takeaway shop which their manager had passed, consisting of several different boxes, steak, chicken, some vegetables, a cup of instant ramen and a side salad. Kihyun looked over each one, considering the calories and his options before he took out the salad and a fork, tying the rest in the bag and dumping it in the bin.  
The meal itself was small, he wasn't even sure if it could be called a meal, but the small boy didn't mind. He had gotten used to having no food some days, this was more than enough for the night. He considered eating some of the chicken, knowing the small amount of protein would help after the difficult concert that they had done that day, however he remembered the pretzels that he had shared with Hyungwoo earlier that day, and his sudden need for more food was gone, replaced by a nausea that attacked his throat. 

He left the salad on the table, telling himself he would go back to it later before going into the bathroom and getting into the shower, the warm water relaxing his aching muscles and the steam calming his pounding head.

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

Kihyun sat upright in his bed, the covers slung over his legs, the salad sat half eaten on the table. He was scrolling listening to music whilst staring at the wall on the other side of the room, bored and tired.  
With the new single rooms that they had chose to have this tour, he found himself in similar situations each night. He felt rather indifferent about having his own room, there were pros and cons. He got to have his own room, his own space, privacy that wasn't found often in the dorm. However the lack of noise and people was often daunting to Kihyun. He liked found that he often longed for the quiet, yet once he had it it was just, too quiet.  
There was no white noise, no chatter of people or the sound of the youngest two arguing or Shownu's singing late at night. It was just him, alone and quiet, and bored. 

He stood from the bed, discarding the phone and his earphones which quietly played music as they were slung down. Walking to the large window he drew the curtains, looking over the city. A calm sense of peace washed over him, seeing the movement and light from the people below him. 

A sudden dizziness hit and Kihyun moved to lean against the wall, waiting for it to pass. His dizzy spells were becoming more common recently, and although he hated the feeling, he had become fairly used to how to handle it. He remained at the window, pressing his head against the cold glass of the window and waiting for the dull pain to subdue. He scrunched his eyes closed and pressed his hand firmly to his head, the pain not seeming to go as the room spun around him. Standing upright, he turned to look around the room as it spun around him, black spots attacking the edges of his vision. Moving around the room slowly, holding onto the wall for support, he distantly heard his phone ping and vibrate from its place on the bed just as his feet were pulled from under him. He fell forwards, the side of his head coming into contact with the corner of the table and his body coming to a limp stop as he slumped unconsciously on the carpet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shownu had never felt panic like it, racing back to his hotel room to make sure his smallest, fragile dongsaeng didn’t bleed out on the hotel carpet.

"Don't think he wants to join hyung." Minhyuck stated from his place slouched lazily on the arm chair. He sighed dramatically, throwing his head back in exasperation and sliding further down the chair.   
"Ki? What did he say?"   
"Nothing. That's the point."   
"And he has the biggest TV." Changkyun pointed out, checking the groupchat once more, hopeful for Kihyuns reply. 

The group had finished another concert earlier that night and had the next 2 days of in the city they were currently in, having no concerts left until the next city but a flight that didn't leave for 3 more days. Minhyuck had been desperate for a lazy night in, watching crappy films and eating snacks all night in whoever's hotel room was the largest. 

They had settled on Kihyun's, although the boy didn't know yet, and Hyungwoo, Wonho and Jooheon had been sent to the small convenience store down the road for snacks. The remaining three had remained in Minhyucks hotel room, waiting for Kihyun's reply before they went to his room, although Hyungwon knew they'd go eventually, whatever his answer was. At this rate, the boy wasn't sure whether they would get an answer or not, but he was sure they'd all end up squashed in Kihyun's room anyways.

"Just go and knock on his door."  
"You knock on his door."   
"He's more likely to say yes to you."  
"He won't eve-"  
"I'll go if it'll stop you bickering."   
"You sound like Kihyun." Changkyun pointed out, turning to Hyungwon and snickering.   
"Shut up." Minhyuck raised his hand towards the youngest, swaying it jokingly as if to slap the two as they flinched back, still laughing between themselves. 

Minhyuck left the room quickly, throwing a cushion towards the two, listening to their laughs as he closed the door and walked towards the lift. 

Usually the group got rooms all on the same floor, however the hotel closest to their concert venue could only fit them over two, which meant that Kihyun, Wonho and most of the staff ended up in rooms on the floor below. 

He walked towards the door, a sudden sense of panic and dread setting in his stomach. He knocked once, hearing no noise from inside he knocked again. Trying to open the door, to find it locked, he pressed his ear against the wood, attempting to listen out for any noise.   
"Kihyun, you in there? We're going to do something in a while, we text you about it earlier."   
No reply. 

He pulled the phone from his pocket, dialling Kihyun's number and holding it away from his ear, watching the screen to see if he picked up yet mainly listening through the door to hear the younger's phone ringing.   
The ringing stopped down as his phone went to voicemail, the noise cutting off as he hung up. Silence surrounded the room once more, Minhyuck remaining staring at the wood, hoping by some miracle it would open on its own.   
Suddenly, wrapped up in his own world as he blocked the other noise out he listened through the door, a small groan sounded out and broke the empty silence.

"Ki? Is everything okay?" The noise stopped again, and he moved closer to listen out.   
The deep worry in his chest heightened and Minhyuck moved away from the door, gripping his phone tightly between his fingers as he walked down the hall. 

Just as he went to turn the corner towards the managers room, seeking out the key card to open Kihyun's room, the door in question opened and another groan sounded from the doorway. He turned to see Kihyun leaning against the frame, staring intently at the floor as he clutched his bleeding head.   
The younger must not have noticed Minhyuck stood watching and he moved to go back in the room, movements sluggish and slow. 

"Kihyun." Minhyuck raced back down the corridor and made his way into the younger's room, grabbing his waist to keep him upright. 

The door closed behind the two and Minhyuck manoeuvred to help him sit down, guiding him down onto the bed and letting him sit, Kihyun still clutching onto his head wound. 

"What happened? Your head- is it alright? Did you hit it? Are you hurt anywhere else?" Kihyun held his hand up towards Minhyuck's face, wanting to shush the older in order to calm his panic down slightly. 

"Jus- I fell, tripped on rug. Hit- table." 

Minhyuck moved into the bathroom and grabbed a hand towel from the sink, coming back out and pressing it against Kihyun's freely flowing wound. The blood remained flowing steadily, down the side of Kihyun's face and through his hairline, the hand pressed to his face also covered by the red liquid.   
Kihyun's hands fell to his side, a small sigh making it's way out of his mouth as he let himself relax more in Minhyuck's hold. 

"Hold that there okay, keep the pressure on." 

Minhyuck grabbed his phone from his pocket and dialled Shownu, staring at the floor as he waited for an answer. He spotted the large semi dried patch of blood on the carpet, nausea making its way up his throat. 

"Need the manager." Minhyuck huffed out to no one in particular.   
"I'm okay hyung."   
"No, no I'll wa-"

"Minhyuck-ah. We're on our way back now we-"  
"Hyung, Shownu hyung I- can you hurry. We, Kihyun he- I need you."   
"Min? Is everything okay?"  
"No, no. Kihyun he- there was an accident. He fell or something, hit his head. It's- it's bleeding quite badly, I think he passed out."   
"Right. Okay right. Where are you now?"   
"In his room. I was going to get the manager but I don't want to leave him alone."   
"I don't need the manager hyung, really-"  
"We're coming back now okay, just wait there with him yeah." 

The line went dead as Shownu hung up, leaving Minhyuck to stand, still staring at the floor in the deadly silence of the room. 

"Hyung-"

"Minhyuck hyung, Kihyun hyung. You took ages so we figured you'd gotten him to agree." Changkyun was shouting through the door, knocking loudly and interrupting the tense silence.   
Minhyuck opened the door to reveal the two youngers that had been waiting in the room upstairs, looking at him and smiling down as they saw the older inside the room.   
"Good, does this mean-"   
"Can you both go back upstairs please." His tone was serious and solemn, a tone which was rarely heard coming from Minhyuck often.   
"Is somet-"

"Hyunnggg. Feel sick." Kihyun whined from inside the room and Minhyuck stepped away from the door to aid the younger, allowing Hyungwon and Changkyun to see behind him. They followed into the room, stopping hastily as they saw Kihyun being led, practically dragged, into the bathroom, Minhyuck holding a once white towel to his steadily bleeding head.   
"Won't stop." Kihyun muttered out, gesturing to his head as he slumped down by the toilet, leaning his head over the bowl. 

"Can you just- just wait for Shownu outside, please." 

Changkyun modded, just the idea of vomit making him feel nauseous yet Hyungwon remained where he was, his feet glued to the ground as he stared into the bathroom at Kihyun. 

"Hyun? Come on, we'll go outside, yeah?" Changkyun lead the older out, his eyes not leaving Kihyun's form until he was completely out of the room. They remained on the floor however, glassy and emotionless at the sight of his hyung pained, pale and bleeding. 

"Can one of you get Hongsik hyung." Minhyuck shouted from inside and Changkyun was quick to follow through, wanting to get away from the sound of Kihyun's vomiting which filled the room. They let the door close and Changkyun moved to go and find their managers room as he left Hyungwon alone.   
"Just wait for Shownu okay. Don't worry Hyung, I'll be back in a minute." Hyungwon merely nodded as his eyes remained focused on the floor.   
He made his way down the corridor nearing the managers room as he saw Shownu in his peripheral vision leave the lift on the other side of the hallway, composed and calm despite the evident worry in his eyes. 

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

Shownu had never felt panic like this in his life, he was certain of it. 

He had been shopping merely 15 minutes ago, strolling around aisles with Wonho and Jooheon, making jokes as they picked up random snacks that seemed remotely appetising and laughing as Jooheon pretended he knew what they were, trying to read the words on each packet with limited success. 

Now he was stood in front of Kihyun's hotel door, watching as Wonho comforted a frozen Hyungwon and Jooheon stood by the two in panic. They had practically ran all the way back, Shownu having put the phone down and immediately started explaining the situation. A worried Minhyuck, a hurt Kihyun, some talk of blood and an injured head. 

He entered the room as calmly as possible however, having stood for a moment to compose himself knowing Minhyuck would need him to be the leader now. They would all need a leader, a strong, solid, composed leader who could help them all, could deal with the situation strongly. Honestly, he had never wished he wasn't the leader, but right now having someone else being the strong minded leader would sound nice right about now. 

He entered the room to the smell of vomit and stale blood and the sound of Kihyun's retching and Minhyuck's comforting consoling.   
"Ki?" The words got caught in his throat suddenly, and he didn't know what was to he said. Kihyun was bleeding and vomiting, small traces of tears on his red cheeks. He panicked for a moment, wondering why he couldn't find the right words until Minhyuck turned to face him and made eye contact, his worry and hurt obvious in his epxression. 

"It's okay now, I'm here. Kihyun, it's Shownu hyung, I'm here Ki, I'm here." Minhyuck moved aside as he let the leader in and he stood watching over the two. Shownu placed his hand on Kihyun's back comfortingly, holding the towel to his wound and making sure the younger stayed awake. 

"Gonna need an ambulance Min." Minhyuck pulled his phone out and moved further into the room and away from the bathroom as Changkyun entered with the manager and Jooheon trailed behind. The noise lifted as more people entered yet Shownu remained solely focused on Kihyun, whispering words of comfort into his ear as he watched the younger intently.

Shownu pushed away the surrounding noise, drowning it out. Because in this moment, the only thing that mattered to the leader was helping his small dongsaeng.

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

It was another 7 hours before the group saw Kihyun again. After he was taken by the ambulance, Hyungwoo in tow, the manager had drove the remaining 5 members to the hospital. They remained in the waiting room after meeting up with Hyungwoo, waiting for news on their small, motherly like member. The manager had asked for news many times to no avail, and had attempted to get them all to go and rest at the hotel more than once, with the same outcome each time. 

So, 7 hours, a combined 9 coffees and 6 naps later and they were finally allowed in Kihyun's room.   
"He has a mild concussion as a result of the head injury. He's a little groggy and tired but we'll keep an eye on him and he should he fine. What we're worried about is the reason he passed out. It seems Mr.Yoo was under nourished. It seems he hasn't been eating enough and is dehydrated. This combined with the difficult schedules means that he's in a very bad state at the moment. We've given him an IV to return some of the nutrients to his body and he's going to need to rest for at least a few days. He'll stay here overnight where we can monitor his progress and then we advise he's on bed rest for the next few days."

"I can allow you all in to see him but after that I can't allow more than 2 of you in at a time." Hyunwoo nodded and looked over each of his members, glancing at the manager briefly before stepping in-front of the man and leading his group to Kihyun's room.

Kihyun was already one of the palest of them all - a close second after Hyungwon - and he was easily the smallest - it was something which they had used to tease him countless times - but now, laying on the large, crisply clean hospital bed, all of those features were enhanced greatly. Hyunwoo swore he saw Hoseok tear up, maybe even letting a few stray tears fall, but he hadn't commented on it. 

Hoseok had always been one of the more emotional members despite his manly, bulky image. He wore his heart on his sleeve, let his emotions overtake his judgment on many occasions and he wasn't afraid to show those feelings to the people closest to him, sometimes to even the people he wasn't close to. So, seeing his dongsaeng lying motionless and pale in a hospital bed practically broke him.

Minhyuck was the one that held him at the side of Kihyun's bed, the two squashing themselves into one of the small hospital chairs in the room.   
Changkyun and Jooheon remained close to one another, not wanting to move away, finding great comfort in each other's close presence.   
Hyungwon sat in the chair on the other side of the bed. He grabbed Kihyun's hand and held it in his own, stroking the palm gently. The two weren't the closest in the group, and Hyungwon wasn't someone who showed affection as easily as the others, but he felt a great deal of guilt at the situation. They all now understood why Kihyun was here, what had caused him to collapse. He wasn't eating properly, he was over exercising, he was being too hard on himself and his weight, and it shamed Hyungwon deeply to know that although he had gone through something similar in the past, had experienced what Kihyun was feeling and knew how he was hurting yet he didn't pick up on any of it. It ate at him and he couldn't do anything but attempt to give some sort of affection and comfort to his small hyung.   
Hyunwoo remained at the foot of the bed, watching over each of his six dongsaengs. He was much like Hyungwon in the way that he held a serious and solemn image. He wasn't one to show his emotions easily, and was often teased about his awkwardness in situations much like these. Which is why he push himself into the group right now, not too much. He let Minhyuck and Hoseok cuddle on the chair, he let Hyungwon stay right by Kihyun as he held his hand, he let the maknae's remain close as they comforted one another. He cared for them all in his own way, watching over them and making sure they were all safe and happy. Well he tried. And seemingly this time he had failed. 

They remained like that for around an hour, with their manager having stepped out to speak to a doctor about letting the boys stay longer. Hyungwon had fallen asleep rather easily having curled his long limbs into an uncomfortable looking position on the chair, one arm however still stretched out towards the bed to hold onto Kihyun's hand.   
Minhyuck and Hoseok had eventually separated once Hoseok had calmed considerably, giving up their chair for the youngest two who cuddled into one another within the small space. Minhyuck had also fallen asleep scrunched up in the corner of the room on a small footrest which he'd stolen from the hospitals waiting room.   
Hoseok and Hyunwoo were the only two who remained awake. Eventually, when the leader had gotten too tired to remain standing, and when Hoseok had been released from Minhyuck's grip, they had both sat on the bare floor opposite one another. Hoseok was leaning against the mattress at the foot of the bed with Shownu facing him leaned up against the wall. They hadn't spoken much, hadn't bothered to try and communicate or to make any small conversations. They just sat in solemn silence, both occasionally glancing at Kihyun and the other four members which were situated around the room.

"Are we going to be okay hyung."   
Shownu didn't look up from where he was staring at the hospital floor. His expression didn't change much as he didn't quite understand Wonhos question.   
"Well the doctor reckons that once he's rested for a while that he should be okay physically. You heard, he just needs to-"   
"I didn't mean that Hyung. Kihyun he's- he'll need some help after this right. Counselling and stuff. I can see how worried they all are, I know how worried I am. The kids are going to be constantly worried for him and Hyungwon- god this isn't good for him, not after what he went through."   
"I'm not that great at this, reassurance I mean. What I know is that Kihyun is strong and stubborn and although he's in a place right now which is difficult and painful he will get past that with our help. We can keep and eye on Hyungwon, make sure he's okay and that he won't slip back into old habits. Now that we know what's going on with Kihyun we can be more attentive, to both of them. The kids, they care too much to give up on this group, on Kihyun." Hoseok nodded and gave a small smile, "anyway, I thought Kihyun was the mom and I was the dad, doesn't that make you one of the kids too."   
Hoseok stretched his leg out and lightly kicked towards Shownu making him laugh as he pushed him off gently, "Kihyun's going to be off of his mom duties for a while and you lot will need a replacement. You won't survive without someone cooking and cleaning after you all." Shownu let out a huffed laugh, "plus I can get back at Kihyun for all of the nagging he's done over the years."   
"It'll take more than a few weeks to make up for all of that." Minhyuck squinted from his place on the footrest as he smirked, watching the older two laugh along.  
"I bet he can hear you," Changkyun piped up too, seemingly not asleep either, "his motherly duties will be going off the scale."   
"It's alright, we'll need all of the help we can get after having Wonho hyung look after us."   
"Oi, I'm not that bad, you ate my cooking the other day."   
"Only because Jooheon felt bad if we didn't."   
Hyunwoo let the sound of the others innocently arguing drown out around him into muffled replies and over-exaggerated bickering. 

It was noisy, complicated and sometimes difficult, but it was how they worked.   
Things would be fine, Hyunwoo knew it. It would just take some time to get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All comments and kudos are of course appreciated and encouraged. 
> 
> Follow me on   
Instagram: @youngjaesun  
Twitter: @_xsoftxt

**Author's Note:**

> Thankyou so much for reading this... I really enjoyed writing this actually, as much as I thought that writing another angst after I told myself I’d write fluff would be no fun. I actually enjoyed it and I am rather semi proud of what ever it turned into anyway. 
> 
> Any comments and Kudos would be thoroughly appreciated. 
> 
> And follow me on  
Instagram: @youngjaesun  
Twitter: @_xsoftxt


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